from last night

we stopped taking a medicine that was probably making things worse in a lot of ways, but not taking it was doing weird things, first to sleeping and i think it is still doing weird things. We can talk to people in here again which is good, but today, instead of Phi being the default person, I am, which is a problem because we need to get stuff done. I am not very good at that. We have to pack up the whole apartment for moving it to a new place and I guess everyone thinks that a 21 year old should be able to move apartment to house easily, but I don’t feel like a 21 year old and to me its really scary and overwhelming and I just wanted someone to come and help me but mommy and daddy just said that I was a big girl and that we didn’t need hand holding. So now the apartment is a mess and not very packed but I can’t do any more. Doing it makes me get really tight in the chest and scared and confused. There is a lot of stuff and I don’t know what to do with it all and I wish Phi were here but she is only here a bit sometimes and we try to do a little when she is here. It got really hard and we started having bad thoughts and so Riku said we should stop because it is most important to take care of us and not get into a bad place. I don’t know. I think mommy and daddy are going to be really disappointed when they see how little we did. And I don’t know what we are going to tell them. When Phi was around we wrote this:

It’s times like this I just want to tell my parents the truth. When they say things like “Your a big girl, you don’t need me to hold your hand.” i just want to say, “Actually, right now, I’m about 10, maybe 11. I’m scared, I’m alone, and the world is too big. Sometimes, I’m 15, volatile and angry. Sometimes, I’m 19 or so. Sometimes, I’m about 7. Sometimes, Its something else, sometimes its some kind of a mix. But here’s the kicker, mom, dad. All of those parts are your daughter. And they are all here, but I can’t always pick which one is in charge, which one gets to make the choices, feel, act. So sometimes, when I call, it is a scared 10 year old calling her mommy and daddy. And calling me a big girl really hurts because I try, I try to be that big girl and play the 21 year old all the time, but sometimes, all I want is for you to tell me I’m doing a good job and to give me a long hug and treat me like you used to.

I feel like I should just go away because whenever I am out it is just really hard to do things and it causes problems. But I don’t know how to go away and let Phi come back. I tried listening to her music but all it did was make me feel really bad. I want to maybe go to sleep. Maybe that will fix things and get Phi back. But now there is a loud alarm going off outside.  I just feel bad about all of these things and I don’t know what to do.

Does anyone else who is a little or has littles have a trick to switch away when big people stuff gets really too much? Or some tips or something for handling all this grown up stuff? Or something?

tommy: meshe wants to post this but i don’t like when posts things like this becauswe nothung back happened to us. mommy and daddy love us more than anytthing and we don’t jknow why we are like these byut we can’t be made at them after everything they did for us. Mommy even said ity pn the phone today that she loves us more thabn anything so i don’t know why meshe says this. we have to try harder and be bigger because mommy and daddy just want waht is best for us.

Phi: [does not know how to respond]

Meshe: [is trying not to curse off the fucking 8 year old.]

(Source: didyouspeakup)

every fucking day

(i don’t know what to call this. I still don’t know. too much confidence. you can do anything. keep trying. push push until you fall, then lock you away crying. I DON’T KNOW.)

(Riku: I’ll say if for her because she won’t type it under her own name. Phi doesn’t know what to call how her parents raised her. She knows there is no malicious intent so she can’t say the word abuse. She loves them. She knows they only did what they thought was best, but she still has scars from it. We don’t know if there is a different word, but it has been really bothering her lately. If anyone has a word for it, let us know.)

(via borderlinebizarre)

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aseaofquotes:

Jonathan Tropper, Everything Changes

(Source: aseaofquotes, via kill-for-the-atlantic)

I’m not a big girl

I don’t like being in front because the body is reall;y big and i am not as good at typing, but but um phi says we… i…. should right this here and maybe she;ll put it on the forum site later too.

um. i don’t know how to write it out well and i keep having to go backj and delete letters. phi says to stop deleting and just write but then we get in triuble and look like we dont care but we do we are just bad at it. sorry.

um phi and sage were up all night at a thingand we got home to go to sleep and i got really sad beacuse now there is no one that puts us to bed lke whne we were little. but bthere hnasnt been forr a long time. and sometimes you just need someone to holfd you and say things are okay and then the memories happened. and we remebered how e used to stand by mommy and daddies room and ask them to lay down with us to help us sleep uintil we feel asllep and sometimes they would and othertimes they said:

no you need to be a big girl

but I don’t want to be a big gir;l. not one ever asked if we wanted to be a big girl. So i stared thinking about when i started bieng a big gril and i think k used solme of phis memory parts to but i remeber thinking like a big girl, like about why people did the things they did - like why it was messed up that rachel’s parents told her not true things and made her belive them so much that she made up lies and told herself they were true. But I was in kindergarten then. And i knew tht lilly had no friend but me in first grade because she felt she needed too much attentuon because her patentts wete too busy fighting so she or the attentin from othet people. but I was opnly in first grade then

so i can’t find when I was a little girl.. i was always a big girl

my happy memories are when dddy read me stories in bed and when he held me when I sad and said it would be okjay. but no one does that for big girls. but i don’t want to be a big girl. I want to be a little girl and have people hold me and tell me its okaty and that I don’t have to do things and that it is all good.

but no obne does.

the only person who does is inside the heaed. he is nice and he takes care of phi and even us- the other parts, but he is only here and no one can see him and he cannot fix the outside.

and daddy wants us to be a big girl now. Because everything is so big now. big hands andbig legs that look strange and big and it won’t go back but i don’t even know where it should go back to because I don’t remember being little. i just want to be little. not the big sister. not the big girl.

sorry. sorry for the bad typing. this is probably silly. i hope daddy and mommy don’t read this or daniel because he wil; think phi is a dumb sister.

i wanted to tell someone but there is no one outside to tell. phi said to tell the pople on the computer but the one chat said only for people for trauma and bad dissociation and i don’t know it that is me and the othe was was missing/ so I am putting this here.

I don’t like cryibng. the hands that whipe it away are big and strange

Tommy

Hi. I haven’t posted here before. My name is Tommy.

I am part of Phi’s median group - that is what she tells me it is called. I guess. I  feel weird. I am very big. The body is. Very big. Too big. It still moves normally though, it is just big, and we’re supposed to act big.

I’m 9, not really that big. But We aren’t nine anymore. We are 21, which is really, really , really big, so I don’t think I should be here like this. Phi says it is Okay though, to be here, because I am part of the we. I don’t like talking about me. For most of the time, I didn’t say things, but now phi knows about me, so she wants me too. I’m sorry if I make everyone inside nervous. I think I do that because things scare me.

Mostly, right now, things are just really big. I want to be small again. It is easier to hide. People don’t look at you funny when you hide if you are small. They still get mad, and tell you to grow up, but they don’t think you are so weird. Now I feel bad. Badder than before. I want to put a blanket over my head but there are other people. Phi’s big friends.

So I am saying it here.