we stopped taking a medicine that was probably making things worse in a lot of ways, but not taking it was doing weird things, first to sleeping and i think it is still doing weird things. We can talk to people in here again which is good, but today, instead of Phi being the default person, I am, which is a problem because we need to get stuff done. I am not very good at that. We have to pack up the whole apartment for moving it to a new place and I guess everyone thinks that a 21 year old should be able to move apartment to house easily, but I don’t feel like a 21 year old and to me its really scary and overwhelming and I just wanted someone to come and help me but mommy and daddy just said that I was a big girl and that we didn’t need hand holding. So now the apartment is a mess and not very packed but I can’t do any more. Doing it makes me get really tight in the chest and scared and confused. There is a lot of stuff and I don’t know what to do with it all and I wish Phi were here but she is only here a bit sometimes and we try to do a little when she is here. It got really hard and we started having bad thoughts and so Riku said we should stop because it is most important to take care of us and not get into a bad place. I don’t know. I think mommy and daddy are going to be really disappointed when they see how little we did. And I don’t know what we are going to tell them. When Phi was around we wrote this:
It’s times like this I just want to tell my parents the truth. When they say things like “Your a big girl, you don’t need me to hold your hand.” i just want to say, “Actually, right now, I’m about 10, maybe 11. I’m scared, I’m alone, and the world is too big. Sometimes, I’m 15, volatile and angry. Sometimes, I’m 19 or so. Sometimes, I’m about 7. Sometimes, Its something else, sometimes its some kind of a mix. But here’s the kicker, mom, dad. All of those parts are your daughter. And they are all here, but I can’t always pick which one is in charge, which one gets to make the choices, feel, act. So sometimes, when I call, it is a scared 10 year old calling her mommy and daddy. And calling me a big girl really hurts because I try, I try to be that big girl and play the 21 year old all the time, but sometimes, all I want is for you to tell me I’m doing a good job and to give me a long hug and treat me like you used to.
I feel like I should just go away because whenever I am out it is just really hard to do things and it causes problems. But I don’t know how to go away and let Phi come back. I tried listening to her music but all it did was make me feel really bad. I want to maybe go to sleep. Maybe that will fix things and get Phi back. But now there is a loud alarm going off outside. I just feel bad about all of these things and I don’t know what to do.
Does anyone else who is a little or has littles have a trick to switch away when big people stuff gets really too much? Or some tips or something for handling all this grown up stuff? Or something?