going to post something here because I am psychologically unable to get off of tumblr right now for some completely unknown reason. My mind is either lagging or projecting into my next movements onto my hands right now… This post may make little to no sense.
Been pretty much lost for the past month or more, again.
I’ve come to realize what all this stuff and people in my head was doing, psychologically speaking. I mean if we were thinking about it from that perspective. Compartmentalization. Scaffolding. Support structure. I could easily figure out where I problem was coing from with the median - what part of me is pissed upset. Without that, I am lost and I have no idea how to fix things and they fester. The others were the same thing but with tools to fix it, only because they were external, because they somehow operated outside my ego, or sense of self, they could harness things that I am crap and using. Like control that I don’t have - seeing as I can’t get the fuck off of tumblr, even though I can’t keep my eyes open and I am really starting not to feel good.
Like Riku could just push things that hurt away, and comfort me, and use a voice of caring that I guess I can’t find for shit And well, I don’t think they’re presence was as much a tool kit as the median was, but it helped a lot. Because it was like a constant second opinion. Or at least another half opinion. Or something.
Over thanksgiving break, zexion,or a set of thoughts that were a lot like that, were there for a bit. In class today, I found my hands writing the way Erena used to. Maybe things are coming back> Whatever they were.
Basically for the past month, I have been 100% sure that there is not a single solid cohesive self in my head. There is definitely not a person in control. There are definitely other forces, other wants, desires, whatever. Like I have lost control - I have broken down and watched myself do things and revert and become a little kid, I have felt younger voices forcing their way out of me. I have been stuck on tumblr at 8 in the morning god dammit… But no names, no space, no shape, no structure, just a bunch of pseudo Freudian urges and drives and forces with voices and wants, and different personas.
I want it back, when it was ordered structured, had names, ages, categories. Without categories I don;t know who I am going to be the next second. I don’t know who I am.
So maybe that is all it is, at least as teh median ever was. A set of 6 or so most comment denominators. Now everything is a mess and there are no solid entities, like the others were, to hold anything down.