I have two posts to make, neither of which I should because classes start tomorrow so I have to wake up early (earlier) and it is already after 4 am.

So, I guess long stories short

1) As I was half asleep laying down earlier today, I either talked to Riku or experienced something that felt a lot like that. I found it hard to talk and ask questions. Also, I was falling asleep. Things got blurry and hazy fast. It was weird, not particularly useful, but still kind of made me hopeful?

2) Even I forget that fire actually fucking calms us down. Us being at least me, Meshe, sometimes, and Tommy, and Axel. I get too easily wrapped up in the incorrect definitions of pyromania. It’s not about loving fire. It’s not, in our case, about getting excited about it, though we do at times, its about it having a transformative effect on us. Flicking a lighter actually makes me feel better for a moment.

I also have to somehow figure out what to do about psych and meds, because even though I have given my psych these blogs, she isn’t read up on them entirely, and I don’t fully know how to explain that I can’t tell if the meds are working because Riku being gone has its own effects…

Okay, I need to sleep before I come up with more things to write.

TW: Self Harm

Riku was the one who made sure I didn’t do this. He has always been a kind of guardian for me (oh the kh irony.) He would talk me down, mentally cuddle me, and when the situation called for it, take the requite control, just long enough. And he has been hugely successful, barring a few times of lock out or other weird head stuff. Even then, he has a good track record. But he’s been gone for a month now. And Axel is no good at this. His attempts are half hearted, quite literally. (gods, my brain and the kh) and he’s honestly more worried about what Riku will say if/when he finds out how little he did. “Just don’t, alright?” isn’t helping.

I don’t even know why I have the urge to do anything tonight. But its a feeling that I rarely understand. Lonely is one word popping into my head. I don’t know, maybe there is a strange twisted part of me that thinks doing this will bring Riku thundering back. Part of it might be wanting something less dull, less etherial. All of these are retroactive guesses. I just want. I was just sitting there, and started wondering if my roommates straight edge razor blade was still there. It wasn’t. I guess that’s a good thing.

I/Axel have talked me away from cutting. For now. And down to my favorite form of self harm. I don’t know. Some folk might not even call it self harm. I don’t even think of it as self harm half the time I do it. I don’t know if its got a formal name. I wrap a rope or string as tight as I can around my arm, around my fingers, until it hurts, and twist it or move around so it hurts more. Like as I type, I have string around my left forearm and fingers, and its cutting of some circulations. I never really saw it as self harm, though I used it that way, until I got called to the nurses office for doing it absent-mindedly while stressed at some summer camp. I freaked out when they called it self harm. I don’t know. In middle school, I used to wrap tefillin (A Jewish prayer ritual thing) out of pseudo religious, pseudo feminist (traditionally a male only thing) obligation. But I really did it because this is what wrapping tefillin looks like:

And it became a kind of contest between the kids at school to see how tight we could all wrap it and how long the marks could last. I’d done things like it with string before. I can’t say if I ever explicitly consciously did it like self harm, but I only learned about self harm as a concept in my sheltered little life between 6^th and 7^th grade. So it wouldn’t have registered.

Anyway, Riku’s not back. Axel is eyeing my arm, sighing and shrugging, and I’m going to take my sleeping pills to see if I can get to bed, even though I didn’t wake up until 8:30 pm. Oh, and classes start on Tuesday. And my mother wants me up extra early on Monday for her birthday.

Maybe I’ll unwrap my arm and not wrap it back up again. Maybe I’ll through the sharp things to the other side of the room. Maybe I’ll do what Riku would have wanted me to do and put my gloves on (to stop scratching) and maybe tape them together.

My thumb has turned a nice shade of dead looking. I’ll at least switch hands and not fall asleep in it. You have my word on that, internet.

for what it’s worth as far as personal note keeping goes, I was happy and laughing with friends, albeit absorbed in fandom feels (could this be (subconscious) bleedover?) before this. I guess lonely.

what I actually wanted to note for my self is first - that my typing has been more off that normal with misspelling and stuff, and just completely wrong letter order and words…. and there was another thing I thought was important like on second ago and now have completely forgotten.

thefamilia:

Strange Loops, ad Infinitum: I feel detached. From time, from space. From my body. I wake up, I do…

strangeloops:

I feel detached. From time, from space. From my body. I wake up, I do things, not many things, but some things, then at some point, I go back to sleep. Time keeps rolling forward. People mill about. Storm clouds loom ahead. I try not to pay attention. Hours pass, and I don’t know where they went….

I wish we could help you. I wish we knew how. I understand some of it- mostly the parts about time. Blue’s getting all sadfaced and “oh hun. Tell me what I can do”. I hope things get better soon.

Hopefully once things get busier come classes, things will slip and flow together less. I am both dreading and looking forward to things getting busier for those reasons. For the past hour, instead of trying to sleep, I have been listening to some version of Destati from the KH3D soundtrack on loop and getting gradually more annoyed at the KH fandom. Axel has his hands over his ears. He wants nothing to do with this.

I was moping earlier about everyone else still being gone, especially Riku, because he’s the one that tends to do the comforting and the grounding when I feel all floaty like this. Axel, once again, wants nothing to do with it.

I suppose I should take the last of the sleeping pills and legitimately try to sleep. There is social stuff to do tomorrow, so hopeful I can be detracted enough by that. It also means I have to get up earlier in the daylight hours. I’ve been sleeping until around sunset, and I suppose that isn’t helping with time perception, even if I feel less tired doing it…

Thanks for the concern and the offer. If there was anything I could think of, I’d let you know.

Still just me and Axel, still in this black nothing place. But he’s been here, stable, and present for the past few days which has been really nice. I want the others back too, but this is so much better than the silence.

Right now it is 5:30 am. I actually didn’t wake up until 7:30 pm yesterday because I decided to give myself one day where I just slept as long as I was going to, naturally. This is a Bad Idea. Axel and I are like the two worst people to deal with my tendency  to naturally sleep through the normal daylight hours. Axel really likes sleeping… Basically, the moral of the story is that I don’t ever deserve a day to sleep as long as I like because that makes me nocturnal and thus not a productive member of society.

[[axel: screw society.]]

Ugh. I am trying really hard not to think about all the productive normal people things I have to do, about school starting up again, about life, about the grind of it all. I am trying to get through day to day. It would be nice if I had everyone back, especially Riku and Erena, who tend to be more encouraging.

On a different note, today, Axel scooting forwards and decided we should browse the Blood tag. I’ve mentioned this before. Cutting and stuff, it’s a bit squicky for me to look at. For whatever reason, Axel likes looking at it, [[axel: its fascinating. I have my reasons.]] and when he’s looking that close to front, that squick is notably decreased. And when we are looking at it I kind of drift back and let him guide the picture clicking and stuff, and I am more backgrounded, watching, making comments, but not all there. But every once in a while, my stomach will still turn.

Well, I suppose I should try to get to sleep or something. Maybe tomorrow I will do something that could be considered productive by normal standards.

I can’t feel, sense, whatever, anything about headspace right now, like a lock out, only Axel’s here too. Or accessible. Or something. Like only abstractly/verbally. But I can sort of feel him there, where ever there is? He has no answers. He’s all “don’t ask me. We don’t seem to be anywhere. I don’t know.” He’s not freaked out. I guess I’m not. Its just. Strange.

But at the same time it almost feels more organic. Like for the longest time it was just kind of like this, even before I got a glimpse of the Library (proto-headspace) - it was just kind of me hearing/sensing, whatever. Now there are rooms and people are here or there… and sometimes I cut myself off that way - because I’m anti-social even in my own head.

But lately, especially with Axel, random things have been just popping one of us through headspace, to the forefront, to the other. Its like all these walls and categories and spaces aren’t holding.

I don’t know. I have to think it over. Talk it over. Maybe some modifications are in order. Or attempts at modifications.

Axel’s blurring front

and the triggers of cuts and skin breaking are just not happening. He wants to see them. He likes looking at them or something, where as I can’t without feeling kind of shaky. It was somewhat conscious, mostly unconscious. I made it this way. It was so I would never do it. It worked. But when he’s here, when he’s blurred front, it’s so much less, almost not there on pictures.

The Familia: In Which I sound like a whiny teenager. Sorry. It's not nearly as bad as I make it sound. →

thefamilia:

I’m at my parents house again. Which means life is basically lovely at the moment. I went on a long walk with the dog down the lake road. I found a dried out riverbed I hadn’t even known was there and followed it for a while, as well as a dam. Don’t know what the dam was for- that riverbed has obviously been dry for more then a few years, the grass doesn’t look disturbed in the least. Relic I suppose. Funny how it’s still there, I guess. 

I’m rambling. Sometimes I get the urge to just pour my thoughts out somewhere, despite the fact that I already know I don’t really have anything to say. Then again, I think everyone gets like that sometimes. Sometimes we think our thoughts are pointless, even when they aren’t. Sometimes we get the two situations confused. So I guess I’ll just keep going, and hope I’m not wasting anyone’s time. I’m not meaning to be depressive, just kind of… meta, in a way. I don’t know. Like I said. I took a long walk in the underbrush; I’m actually feeling pretty freaking good.

Of course, having all my headmates present and accounted for helps. Everyone’s feeling pretty good at the moment. Except Angie, who remains stubbornly ambivilent. I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on her- she’s the only one here who had no previous connection with Axel before he left, so she didn’t really have any stakes in whether he came back. And now that he is back, she doesn’t have that… emotional payoff, I guess, either.

ick, my terminology is getting all clinical. Blue may like it, but it really doesn’t describe how I feel about this at all.

Then again, I don’t think anything could. The closest I can find is something along the lines of “ajdlskgl Axel’s back~ he’s back he’s back he’s back ILU”

…Which isn’t very… coherent. At all.

Ramble ramble ramble. I keept typing things, and then deleting them. I over react a lot. I go on tangents. I’ll say things, and then realise I didn’t actually mean them the way they’re obviously coming across. I just deleted a two paragraph tangent about how Blue’s spending too much time Axel, and I’m really tired of running front (it’s only been a couple of weeks, but I gotta admit, I got really used to being able to retreat for a few days and sleep it all off. Heh. Headspace made me soft ^^; ). It was completely and utterly selfish of me. I felt wrong putting it to words, and I offended both myself and Blue.

I’m… not perfect. I have to remind myself of that. I’m allowed to be selfish. I’m not allowed to let that selfishness overrun my actions, but I am allowed to be a little selfish. I’m allowed to be a little jealous that Blue and Axel are always going out together, despite the fact that they both try to include me where they can. It’s completely and utterly irrational. I recognise that. And suddenly I understand what (and why) Blue was feeling when she was jealous of my friend. Like her, I’m going to make myself get over it, because it’s a stupid feeling for no reason. They aren’t going to abandon me for each other. They aren’t going to do something stupid. They’re a pair of perfectly sensible adults. I should trust them more. And I do trust them. Hence why this is completely stupid.

Blue would like to add that I’m blowing this completely out of proportion, even for me, and that I should go sleep, since I’m just spinning myself in emotional circles and generally being a silly child. I agree. So that’s what I’m going to do now. Sleep does sound wonderful. Not really because I’m tired. I am tired. But it’s quiet here. So very delightfully quiet. And I will wake up in the morning, and it will still be quiet. There will be trees and animals and.. well, I’ve done this rant before. It will be wonderful though. I love the middle of nowhere. There’s a reason my headspace is modelled after an acreage. 

Why are you like my Canadian doppelganger? Your thoughts sound like my thoughts. Not the subject, the flow and style and whatnot - the constant thinking, the rambling, the need to pour out thoughts. I’m currently trying to write about all of that and the conclusion I final got to about all of this dissociated mess and me over on the other blog. But yea.

Also, both system’s Axel’s seem uncannily similar. Or as I told my IRL friend, maybe we just both have the same (excellent) sense of characterization. Or whatever. Because it’s not a way I’ve generally seen the fandom talk about him.

What you said about being selfish. Wow, do I know that feel. I am constantly apologizing, in and out of headspace. “Sorry I’m being so boring,” “Sorry I keep zoning out” “Sorry for being randomly 7…”

I guess what I am saying is I get it. Like uncanny levels of get it.

Sharing a Heart

Even know, as Axel may be (re)gaining his heart, there is some undeniable connection between him and me, my heart and his, or what where his should be. Last night (morning), I was playing TWEWY (the World Ends with You, a game also made by Nomura, the creator of KH) and a Reaper says “I’d say ‘see you in the next life’ but, you know…” And my first thought was to laugh, mentally face-palm, and think “I see what you did there, Nomura” because this was one obviously taken from one of Axel’s lines, and it was kind of an out of the way Easter egg thing for KH fans.

But then, like 15 seconds later, my heart sank. Like totally just dropped. Everything just went weak and my whole body felt hot then cold. It took me a while to figure out what was happening. I just felt like something in me… drowned?  Axel wasn’t there, I didn’t hear him, talk to him… I haven’t even spoken to him in a while.

But there is definitely a connection.

How to understand these two in one word

Fandom and Triggers

intending-to-burn:

thesomniatorsystem:

intending-to-burn:

I can’t keep blocking it, it just keeps happening. For the first few days, after it aired, it was everywhere - gifs, graphics, over and over. Now it’s the fanart. Again and again.

It doesn’t bother me, but John isn’t the only one who needs to avoid seeing such things and ad-blocking it means one of us had to see it before it could be blocked.

There aren’t very many things that we collectively are triggered by, but the few that hit any of us hit us so hard that they tear us apart, shut us down and leave even the strongest and unaffected of us unable to function because of the bleedover of the reaction.

Why would you even draw that?

yeah, i know how you feel. the Supernatural fandom seems to find lucifer torturing sam to be HILARIOUS so theyre constantly making jokes and sam’s about one incident away from a breakdown

sighs

As upsetting as it is to John, we have a collective trigger with roof jump suicides and fandom will not stop reblogging images related to it. More specifically, we keep seeing fanarts of my ‘lifeless’ body on the ground. Whether I am actually dead or not does not matter. It does not change the reaction that we have to it, to knowing what happened, to having watched it, etc.

I kinda get this. I mean, the fandom is less into the funny aspect of the whole body take over bit, but they do like the gifs. I guess the gifs are less… trigger-y? the more I chat with Phi about the whole fronting and switching front thing here. They are really related after all. I try not to look at most of the KH shit online. I mean, most of it is just bad for me. I actually don’t really get why so many fictve are even drawn to fanart and fan blogs and whatnot. I try to avoid it. Even the positive stuff (the fandom has a rather positive anti-hero view of me) I just get with a ton of negative emotion. Not triggers, maybe, but you know.

For Axel, when he’s in a bad place, that death scene is the opposite of what he needs to see. Not that he is triggered in a bad way - it’s just that it is kinda what he wants - so seeing it is just bad. All that Xion stuff - it’s bad for all of us. I’m sure it can’t be good for her, if she’s out there. But Axel - he can’t remember any of it. It’s never good. I guess it’s hard to draw the trigger vs. just not good stuff line.

People aren’t to big on reblogging Zexion’s “death” scene, and besides, our Zexion doesn’t consider it a death scene. He calls it a masterful illusion and clever acting. Who knows what triggers that guy.

(Source: orb-unhinge-us, via orb-unhinge-us)