Riku was the one who made sure I didn’t do this. He has always been a kind of guardian for me (oh the kh irony.) He would talk me down, mentally cuddle me, and when the situation called for it, take the requite control, just long enough. And he has been hugely successful, barring a few times of lock out or other weird head stuff. Even then, he has a good track record. But he’s been gone for a month now. And Axel is no good at this. His attempts are half hearted, quite literally. (gods, my brain and the kh) and he’s honestly more worried about what Riku will say if/when he finds out how little he did. “Just don’t, alright?” isn’t helping.
I don’t even know why I have the urge to do anything tonight. But its a feeling that I rarely understand. Lonely is one word popping into my head. I don’t know, maybe there is a strange twisted part of me that thinks doing this will bring Riku thundering back. Part of it might be wanting something less dull, less etherial. All of these are retroactive guesses. I just want. I was just sitting there, and started wondering if my roommates straight edge razor blade was still there. It wasn’t. I guess that’s a good thing.
I/Axel have talked me away from cutting. For now. And down to my favorite form of self harm. I don’t know. Some folk might not even call it self harm. I don’t even think of it as self harm half the time I do it. I don’t know if its got a formal name. I wrap a rope or string as tight as I can around my arm, around my fingers, until it hurts, and twist it or move around so it hurts more. Like as I type, I have string around my left forearm and fingers, and its cutting of some circulations. I never really saw it as self harm, though I used it that way, until I got called to the nurses office for doing it absent-mindedly while stressed at some summer camp. I freaked out when they called it self harm. I don’t know. In middle school, I used to wrap tefillin (A Jewish prayer ritual thing) out of pseudo religious, pseudo feminist (traditionally a male only thing) obligation. But I really did it because this is what wrapping tefillin looks like:
And it became a kind of contest between the kids at school to see how tight we could all wrap it and how long the marks could last. I’d done things like it with string before. I can’t say if I ever explicitly consciously did it like self harm, but I only learned about self harm as a concept in my sheltered little life between 6th and 7th grade. So it wouldn’t have registered.
Anyway, Riku’s not back. Axel is eyeing my arm, sighing and shrugging, and I’m going to take my sleeping pills to see if I can get to bed, even though I didn’t wake up until 8:30 pm. Oh, and classes start on Tuesday. And my mother wants me up extra early on Monday for her birthday.
Maybe I’ll unwrap my arm and not wrap it back up again. Maybe I’ll through the sharp things to the other side of the room. Maybe I’ll do what Riku would have wanted me to do and put my gloves on (to stop scratching) and maybe tape them together.
My thumb has turned a nice shade of dead looking. I’ll at least switch hands and not fall asleep in it. You have my word on that, internet.
for what it’s worth as far as personal note keeping goes, I was happy and laughing with friends, albeit absorbed in fandom feels (could this be (subconscious) bleedover?) before this. I guess lonely.
what I actually wanted to note for my self is first - that my typing has been more off that normal with misspelling and stuff, and just completely wrong letter order and words…. and there was another thing I thought was important like on second ago and now have completely forgotten.