I saw a new psych today. Does meds and therapy. I like her, I think. She listened to me tell her my life story for 2.5 hours and didn’t dismiss any of it. She actually said that it sounded rough, which was surprisingly welcoming to hear.
I even told her about that span of 5-6 years when “there…
It sounds like you share some traits of autism, but that doesn’t necessarily make you autistic (though the hand flapping and sensory issues seem to tell me otherwise). For your first part about the people not taking over and also helping at times, it sounds like you may have MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder) or DID (Disassociative Identity Disorder). You may want to ask about that next time you go see her.
Based on what you said here, I would say you’re likely autistic, but you may also just be sharing traits without being really autistic as you only share three (and criterion for autism usually needs five from what I know).
I am curious, though. Does your eye glancing reflect into an inability to make eye contact with people and/or keep it, or is it strictly just constantly looking around? That might be a partial to ADHD or something similar if it’s the latter.
I am pretty well versed in the MPD/DID stuff. I don’t fit critera for that, but I have been kind of informally diagnosed by an old psych as DDNOS (which I guess now is Dissociative Disorder NED? Silly DSM)
The eye contact glancing this is because I can’t maintain eye contact for more than like a second without looking away for anxiety (or something like anxiety, or sometimes more pure dissociation that might stem from anxiety), but I can look away and back pretty quickly and I guess make it look pretty … “normal?” I tend to fiddle with something when I talk both for the “hands doing something = thinking happens better” and because it kind of sort of gives me an excuse to glance at something else. If I am picking at my shirt, I can look at that. So I tend to go glance at eyes, look down at shirt, glance back, gesture widly and look at my hands instead of other person when I do, glance at eyes, glance down, glance at hair because it looks like I am making eye contact, glance at other things…
I don’t know if this is really abnormal eye contact making patterns or not, but making eye contact for like a whole tick of the second hand or more is just… very strange and kind of make my muscles tighten and my skin crawl? But I can look away and back pretty quickly so I guess it feels like I am making eye contact?
Obviously because I am not looking at the other people, it seems to me like other people aren’t making eye contact more because I wouldn’t see if they were?
According to the new DSM-5 criteria, I hit:
- A-1 - depends on the interpretation of the language - pressured speech, irregular volume, long winded answering , over sharing, info dumping missed cues etc. have always been linked to other things like mania or social anxiety, but then psychs keep dismissing autism as a possibility so.
- A-2 - see above about eye contact. I miss a lot of social cues, specially the “i am not interested” cue from other people, but again, can’t say how bad it is?
- A-3 - difficulty maintaining and making friendships, mostly the maintaining, has always been a thing, but i had the opposite problem on the imaginative play front. I kind of wanted to keep playing imaginative games after other kids stopped. Also my imaginary games were more complex than most other kids wanted to play. Like I played house w/ major chronic illnesses and possible eviction drama rather than, you know, house. I was a weird kid….
- B-1 - one story my parents like telling from when i was a kid, like really little, is that they would walk into my room and I would have all my figures and plastic gem stones and dolls lined up in some weird category system all over my room and I would get really mad if they moved things so. In elementary school I used to spend the wait at my therapists office (3x a week) organizing and reorganizing the magazines. Also stacking disposable cups into different shapes. Also, as far back as I can remember i’ve made little “shrines” out of anything I can get my hands on. Not actual shrines, but symmetrical assemblies of objects from sticks and pebbles and dirt on the ground to wooden blocks to chess pieces. My living spaces are always a mess but sorting things is fun…
- B-2 This is the one I think I have the least. Actually strict schedules make me anxious and sameness for too long makes dissociation worse.
- B-3 I really don’t know how to judge what makes an obsession into an autism criteria level obsession? Does writing a 7 page single spaced essay about it for fun push it over the edge? Daydreaming about possible fanfictions or aus or alternate timelines? Does it count if the obsessions are short and for just like a 2 week period you read every article on consciousness you can find and then stop? What is just a fangirl who takes her fandoms too seriously and someone who thinks too much” and “spends to much time on things” and “can’t let things go” and “over thinks everything” and what is an autism trait?
- B-4 OMG yes. Bright lights are painful and evil and brooms should be illegal and loud sounds bad. Also why do humans sweat there is literally nothing less comfortable. Other than how they decided to make socks. Socks are made by the devil. And on and on. Also sensory seeking. Like wrapping ropes or sting or rubber bands around my arm/fingers. Or playing with fire and wax (okay that might be also some other things but), or running my fingers on walls as I walk because fun tingles. Oooo or fences and letting them bang on each post. Or… yeah I do this a lot.
- C- some were? Like I said, lining things up, some social difficulties, not being able to stand tights or socks or clothing tags or jeans. My parents say I was always really talkative and bad at letting other people speak, which might just be the “how to turns in conversation work” thing at a young age. I think everyone was too busy dealing with the fact that I threw temper tantrums constantly… My memory recall is not tied into time so if there are no context clues, I can’t say if a memory of stimming was from when I was 3 or 6 or 14… but the definitly some from I think around 1st grade. I remember I found a way to make my stomach muscles do a weird thing and i kept doing it over and over? Also chewing on my baby blanket for way longer than “normal…”
- D - hahahaha. well, that’s why I am at the new doctor, because my parents think I am being a terrible adult. (they are not entirely wrong)
- E - I don’t know my IQ but my mother told me it was v. high and the testers said “significantly above avg. last time I did a test thing.
That is the DSM 5 autism list.
But like. This is two doctors in a row, possibly 3, plus several non-doctors I have spoken to who are just like “you, autistic? no way. ” And I don’t get why they think I am so obviously not? It is confusing because the psych today knew most of this info. Not all of it, not laid out like this, but most of it. and she was just. “you don’t have autism” like it was silly.
Is it because you can explain some if not almost all of these things by saying I have some sensory processing issues maybe somewhat tied to migraine or other things, and social phobia, and bipolar and mania has fucked with my thoughts and brain, and i am “creative”, and have GAD? I mean, that about covers all of autism, right?
Everything is confusing and weird and like - i don’t know how to even bring it up again.