Its hard for people without depression to understand when some days that just dropping a cup of water will bring you to tears because they think oh this is just one little thing but you see it as oh my god I can’t even get water without fucking up and now I’ve made a huge mess I shouldn’t even try
an actual honest, thorough psychiatric / neuropsychiatric evaluation done by someone who actually thinks what I (the patient) have to say is relevant and wants to hear what I think
A set of diagnoses that made even an inch of sense and are less than the vaguest things imaginable (see: current diagnosis of “a mood thing almost certainly” and “something with anxiety”)
for psych people in general to ease off the sleep issue.
For fuck sakes. It’s been over 15 years of god damn therapy. My sleep is still shit - nothing changes that. I’d at least like to get an answer out of you head doctors as a profession. I’ve been manipulated, lied to, mistreated, babied, and generally abused enough times. I’ve had my parents deny the possible fault of doctors enough times. I’ve had the good ones be the doctors who can make things “okay, I guess” and say almost nothing and make almost no suggestions. All of this has gone on long enough.
And I am sick and tired of it. Hell, I can give you a hypothesis to disprove if you want. I can give you a history. I can talk for hours and hours. I will take any test.
Just send me a knowledgeable, caring, competent person.
(feel free to send anything via anon or not if by off chance anyone has suggestions that work over skype or are anywhere near the Baltimore area?)
Allison Brosh, Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened. (via thingssheloves)
Did I mention that she had ADHD and depression?
This is exactly how I feel.
i keep circling back to this - i don’t want to die - that’s all terribly morbid - living is wonderful - the world is wonderful. humans are wonderful and they make such wonderful things - there are so very many wonderful things to experience and i am so far from wanting to call it quits on any of that right now.
but. the world as i have lived in it does not have a way for me to just experience, just be in it, just take - I am so horrible at working on the worlds clock, giving what the world wants, answering the demands of it all, that i don’t know where i can fit in this mess.
is there a place they can lock me up and forget about all the hopes they had, all the expectations i am not fulfilling? A place where i can have food and internet and a bed and be otherwise left alone?
I read over and over that institutions are horrible places and my own memory tells me that nothing peaceful can be found in hospitals, yet i find myself dreaming of a tiny world where other people deal with everything and no one expects me to do anything besides be there the next day.
i don’t want to suffer, and i don’t want to die, and i can imagine my tiny world where no one calls me and no one makes me do things and no one asks where I will get the money from. But the world doesn’t just give - i have been told this over and over. What horrible thing am i that i want that?
I wish i could give back in something other than ideas, vague half formed solutions, whimsical stories, rants, most of which the world leaves me too drained to translate into writing. I wish breaking out of my head left me with enough… enough will is it? energy? something like and unlike neither - there isn’t a word I have found in the dictionary of the working, moving, giving world for it.
even when things are supposedly good, they are too messy, too unkempt, to wild to fit into the clocks and gears and order of it all.
no, i need to go to this tiny world in my mind and watch this one from afar online. just brushing it occasionally with my fingertips, perhaps, but never getting to close, never being flooded with it like this.
but my tiny world isn’t real - or if it is, no one has ever shown it to me, let alone given me a map.
i dont procrastinate because im lazy i procrastinate because theres so much shit i need to do and its fucking overwhelming and i distance myself from it and do things that bring at least some enjoyment and then i get even more overwhelmed when ive procrastinated for too long i cant win its a vicious cycle
Eh fuck it. I give up. The more I read about any mental illness, the more i think that this new therapy/meds dude is right - that trying to fit all the crazy that is in my head into any one or two or five of these boxes is going to get messy and end up with parts lopped off and left on the cutting floor. Wow, graphic metaphor there.
Like - My moods don’t just go up and down, they go haywire - but not consistently so. My anxiety is “general” but even that doesn’t completely fit - its a lose diagnosis, because my anxiety is more visceral or somatic than cognitive - I’m not actually worried about anything, i’m just always in anxiety mode? And those are the two that people actually THINK I have.
New psych dude during last meeting randomly asked if anyone ever offered up the possibility of OCD and I laughed. Because no, but now they have. And who knows if that box should be added to the pile of boxes? I have been on the meds used to treat OCD since third grade for all the other boxes and labels. I have obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions but rarely a connection between the two - neither fit any description i have ever read for OCD and the shame/guilt isn’t there.
I technically exceed the criteria for DP/DR - which hardly has any established criteria to begin with - in that I actually lose control on occasion and have had “others” both in my head and take over, but I don’t meet criteria for DID because well, one - they are gone 98% of the time now, and two - I never lost time or “left” completely, even if I was not in control (well not since that one time period in 10th grade…)
BPD has been not so seriously suggested, but mostly gets dismissed as an artifact of anxieties (social and otherwise) and my weird ass mood stuff. It doesn’t fit me that well, the more I read on it, anyway.
My stint being diagnosed and treated for ADHD never went well. Stimulants didn’t calm me down - they got me out of a depressive stupor or into a hypo-manic or more manic buzz, basically working passably. Mood and anxiety as well as never diagnosed learning stuff, plus who knows what else probably looked, heck - looks a hell of a lot like ADHD, but um, I am pretty sure I don’t have that one. Who the fuck knows. Throw the box in the pile.
I know I have at least one specific phobia and I almost certainly have social anxiety, but whether those are symptoms or more boxes of their own is a total mystery.
At this point is it probably easier to go through the DSM and cross things OUT? I don’t hallucinate outside of blurs of motion when I get tired which are probably migraine, or minor visual artifacts when dissociating, but my old psych did say I probably have a non-psychotic thought disorder - in that my thoughts are more associational than is purely useful or “normal” or “adapted to functioning.” It ends up with conversations where I start by saying something seemingly random and then backtracking for 10 minutes to an hour while trying (and sometimes failing) to go off on many, many more just as random seeming tangents. But generally speaking you could probably cross off schizophrenia and the related disorders.
I definitely have a sleep-wake disorder - I have pretty severe DSPS, but I don’t consider that a psych thing, DSM or no. But even that is not so simple because I also have insomnia - I can’t even always fall asleep on my bodies natural clock because my brain doesn’t want to shut up or i can’t get comfortable or something else.
Despite half of my family tree having an eating disorder and my mother subconsciously trying desperately to give me one, I don’t have an eating disorder - am overweight, or fat, or whatever the “correct” term is, but no disorder.
I probably don’t have PTSD, but I do get flashbacks to basically my entire life - that is the only apt description of what happens - racing non-stop, uncontrollable vivid images and replayed scenes from throughout my life accompanied by panic. So. They are perfectly mundane things to not so mundane things, but they can be very basic. I don’t want to think about it too much now for fear of starting it.
And I on again off again fit some of the criteria for pyromania - but it doesn’t provide interference in my life or distress/discomfort…
I’d still like to get evaluated for neuropsych stuff - but maybe that is being hypocritical at this point? Maybe I should through ASD with the rest of the boxes and declare “who the hell knows”? I stim, I get some sensory things (it is hard to differentiate with migraine sometimes), I miss lots of social cues - mostly the “no one is interested” and “whose turn is it to talk” stuff comes to mind - I have lots of social anxiety, which I already touched on - anxiety in general though - I have obsession - boy do I have obsessions, (and different from the previously mentioned OCD like obsessive thoughts. I am talking about my KH side blog and homestuck rants style stuff now, not the “I have to construct a point to point rebuttal to this person whose stupid post I read a week about in my head before I sleep or do anything else.) I have that whole inertia thing I posted about earlier - starting and stopping is a real issue from eating and sleeping to tumblr to work. I also have an inappropriately loud voice and frequently just say/do shamefully incorrect for context (or so people tell me) things? And probably other stuff I forgot. But then, no one has ever really suggested it? Some friends I guess? I mean I don’t have too much of an eye contact issue unless i am more anxious that normal. Same with words - in fact, I am kind of overly word-y and talkative a lot? I don’t know how correct this idea of ASD is, but as a kid, I ALWAYS played imaginary games. I wanted to keep playing them long after people stopped. It made me sad when they did. In general I am good at reading emotion as long as it is from a distance or I have time to process it without also trying to do “conversation social mode”. I get sarcasm most of the time and use it pretty well, but I do tend to automatically go for answering ironic/sarcastic questions. I don’t know.
Before I joined tumblr I was pretty anti-label. Part of it was probably because people had (and still do) use labels to tell me who i was and that my emotions and experiences were symptoms not, well, emotions and experiences. I felt they boxed people in. I thought (and sort of still think) that people will try more to fit in that box, even if it isn’t perfect?
But tumblr kind of showed me that there are good reasons to get a label too, and to use that label.
I guess I am torn on all of it now. No label I have ever gotten or heard has ever fit - no diagnosis that is - (but also no gender, no sexuality, no religion… so maybe I am just weird.)
looking through saved posts.
i want them back i want them back iwantthembackbackback
she cries into the void don’t search the blood tag that never turns out well. don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it.